Guy, or Gal? What is Wilson, anyway?

Wilson wonders: Women?
What is that, anyway?

Another big day coming -- Valentine's Day. How do I explain that to Wilson? Being virtually indestructible, he's never had a broken heart, never felt lonely. And he knows absolutely nothing about women. I'm not sure that he knows that there are such things as women.

Oooops! Did I say "he?" I make that slip every now and then. It's a bit of residual chauvinism. It's influenced by the name. People think "Wilson" is a masculine name.




Anyway, today I sat down with Wilson and I tried to explain Valentine's Day, and women. Women, especially. Now Wilson knows what flowers are, but having no palate, the indestructible futbol is entirely clueless about chocolates. Has absolutely no idea of their power. And Wilson can't tell a woman from a man.

But I think he understands love, because as of today, he has brought love to 2,010 children somewhere in the world, and he did it with your help.

Before I tell you about that, though, I want to make you an offer. Tell me whether you think Wilson is male or female, and why. If the best reply is "woman," the winner gets a box of chocolates. If the best answer is "man," the winner will have to settle for donation of a One World Futbol in your honor. Respond by e-mail, please.

Two-thirds towards goal
First of all, I want to thank all of you who have purchased futbols for donation in the Wilson campaign to distribute 100 of these balls around the world. As of this writing, 67 balls have been donated through your purchases--that's two-thirds of the way to goal.

The One World Play Project  estimates that every One World Futbol serves 30 kids. So you have given 2,010 children something to play with that doesn't wear out. While a $10 soccer ball might last a day, or maybe a week, or even a month in a refugee camp or some remote village, the One World Futbol always stays inflated, even when you stick knives in it. Run over it with a jeep, and it flattens--and then instantly re-inflates. Donating one of these marvels costs only $25, less than the cost of a modest restaurant dinner with your significant other. Or a nice bouquet of flowers. The ball will last for years and years--longer than a long-term relationship! That's a great return on investment.

So, is Wilson a man or a woman? Well, what is a woman, anyway? And what is a man?

I used to be a woman
The fact is, I used to be a woman. Well, OK, so I used to be a very tiny pre-girl, while I was in the oven, cooking. And then some genes took over, and those things that girls have really changed. I mean, they really changed!  I kind of think of it as making significant improvements. And by the time I was born, I was a guy! Wow! And in a man's world (at least it was called that in the 1940's.)

As for those things called "nipples," well, mine are just ornamental. The engineers put them into the plans, but the contractor realized I was going to be a guy, and would never use them, so he just never bothered to turn them on. Think like an evolutionist: It takes too much energy to make them go away, once they are there. Or, Think like a bachelor--if they ain't broke, don't fix 'em.

Man = Woman!
Now I know you folks all think you can tell the difference between a man and a woman. But mathematically speaking, there isn't any difference. Now the people on my mailing list for this blog are pretty smart, so stay with me on this. If you look at men and women from a topological point of view,  they are identical. Topology is the mathematical study of surfaces -- connectedness, proximity, boundaries, and other properties that are maintained even with deformities such as stretching and bending.

It's topology that allows you to pull up a map on your computer, and  navigate through the convoluted streets of Seattle's Queen Anne Hill and get from one side to the other in time for that hot date.

Cup = donut = man = woman
Topologically speaking, the cup pictured below is identical to the donut. They both have a loop. The fact that the cup has a depression that holds coffee is interesting, but not relevant. So it shouldn't surprise you when I say that men and women are both built like donuts. There's a hole that goes right through them. You put food in one side, and it gets processed and discarded out the other. All the other details are just deformations.

OK, I want the doughnut, but technically, they are the same.

So, how do you tell if Wilson is a man or a woman? Well, how about what's in your heart, and between your ears? Is there a difference there? Does the ability to take a trouncin' and keep on bouncin' make Wilson a man? (Keep in mind that the female of the species is more dangerous than the male.) Does a real man have a soft spot for kids all over the world, and would he help them if he could?

And what about women? If they are the ones who produce children and nurture them, are they the only ones who care the most about children?

The contest
What do you say about that? How would you describe Wilson? If you can tell me better than anyone else why Wilson is a woman, you get that box of chocolates. Maybe even a hug and smooch on the cheek. Persuade me Wilson is a man, and I'll donate a futbol in your honor--and a hug and a smooch, if you're a woman. (Unlike Wilson, I can tell the difference.)

Meanwhile, Happy Valentine's Day. You folks have already delivered love to 2,010 children around the world.

Wilson and I would like to thank you for that.

Love,
and Happy Valentine's day
Robert,
and Wilson