The problem involves how to carry Wilson when I'm hiking. You undoubtedly have heard from animal rights activists about the crummy way chickens and pigs are treated before they are slaughtered, frequently being kept in dark spaces with little opportunity for movement. Well, just look at the photo below.
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Wilson peeks out of the opaque bag that currently is used for transport. |
No way to treat a celebrity. That opaque, black plastic pouch is the only thing I have to carry Wilson in. The only time Wilson sees daylight is when I drag Wilson out of the bag to allow some interested party to autograph The Indestructible. That's no way to treat a celebrity. Hiding Wilson inside that bag while I'm hiking makes it difficult for other hikers to notice the ball. That inhibits their opportunity to meet and autograph Wilson.
How about a net? Roger, my hiking companion, has suggested that I carry Wilson in a net. I know Russian women have been reputed to do their shopping by carrying a little purse-net around. It collapses to nothing, but can then stretch out to hold many goods of various shapes. It's very clever and a real testimony to Russian ingenuity. I walked downtown to the Seattle Target store yesterday to see whether they carried them, but all the clerk could point out to me was a variety of shopping bags.I'm not sure how to look for a net-bag. Can any of your readers help me find one? If not, I have an alternate request:
Anyone have pantyhose? If no-one can suggest where to acquire one of those net-bags, perhaps some of you ladies (or men, where appropriate, this being Seattle and all) could part with a pair of pantyhose -- the transparent kind, which I could carry Wilson in, making him more visible to those I encounter on the trail. I have no doubt that would facilitate conversation--or at the very least, curiosity.
Net pantyhose: What might be particularly useful (and fashionable) would be those pantyhose garments with the large scale net mesh motif, like Argentine tango dancers wear. You can't miss those things, even in a dim room. They knock my eyes out.
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These might work..... |
Are you the right size? For those of you willing to give up your pantyhose for the cause, I've tried to come up with dimensions to determine whether yours would be an appropriate size.
Size depends on application. One option is that we slip Wilson into a single pantyhose leg. The other, and likely more practical solution is that we convey him in what I would think of as the "basket" of the pantyhose, binding it shut with safety pins that gather the waistband together snugly. Or, if someone would like to install a zipper along the waistband prior to donation, that would work too. And it would speed up the autograph process.
This second alternative would have the added benefit of retaining two free pantyhose legs, which I could then wrap around my forehead from opposite directions a couple of times, tying the loops together to form a sweatband that would help dissipate heat and moisture during the most vigorous hikes. Wilson would then ride between my shoulder blades, just above my back pack, making it so much easier to capture the attention of hikers in a hurry.
Condition not important. Don't worry about the condition of the pantyhose. I've seen people on the street with intentionally worn out clothing, like those jeans with holes in the knees. A distressed pantyhose would present a very contemporary hiking fashion statement.
As for the size of the pantyhose, Employing a used piece of dental floss, which is accurate because it doesn't stretch, I measured Wilson's circumference at 27 5/8 inches. so we can apply an old formula developed by Archimedes to determine how big the thigh portions or basket portions of the pantyhose should be. Archimedes, whom I believe died in 212 B.C., was the famous mathematician and streaker who ran naked through the streets of Syracuse yelling "Eureka!" I think it was Syracuse.
Using his formula, which he actually attributed to someone named Eudoxus, about whom I know almost nothing, we figure the diameter of Wilson's sphere (and therefore the thickness of the pantyhose leg) by dividing Wilson's circumference by the number, π (roughly 3.14159). That yields a figure of 8.7933 inches thick. So if you're a hefty donor who's big in the thigh, or a particularly petite donor who's small in the hips, you may be a good candidate for a pantyhose donation for the cause. For example, I know a stunningly beautiful tall, quite slender and lithesome yoga instructor in Reno whom I've loved for years and whose pantyhose I've never seen, but I'm confident they would work OK.
Net-bag preferred. Of course, I would really prefer that someone direct me to a place where I can find those net-bags, because then no-one would have to give up their pantyhose. But if you do send pantyhose, it should be laundered prior to donation. You knew that, of course.
Please e-mail your suggestions to dancingpotter@gmail.com. Regardless of the outcome, you know I'll post a photo and acknowledge all those who help me resolve this problem -- unless you would like to remain anonymous for whatever reason.
Love,
Robert and Wilson
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